Food Critic Edition: Tiger’s Fajitas, Sushi and Milkshakes

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Hootie, Merle, Skeeter and the boys at Augusta National Golf Club need to intervene because all hell’s broke loose in Augusta, Georgia. In particular, it’s the Champions Dinner menu where the wheels have completely come off. Tiger Woods announced his schizophrenic menu this week and it’s a disaster of Wilson Killer Whale proportions. His fajitas, sushi, sashimi and milkshakes (pending) offering is a culinary train wreck. It’s the biscuits and gravy Antichrist and lacks any rhythm to speak of. Fajitas and sashimi do not dance and it’s a real shame to tarnish the world’s greatest dinner party. An invite-only affair, the green jackets there would certainly prefer wings with John Daly at the Hooter’s on Washington Road.

WBGD reached out to Fuzzy Zoeller for comment, but no reply — unlikely he approves. This combination of slop doesn’t make any sense. Woods opened a restaurant in 2015 and obviously hasn’t learned much. It’s questionable decisions like this Champions Dinner that explain his restaurant’s [The Woods] ho-hum 3.5 Yelp ranking.

“I’ll start with some egg rolls, I’ll have the lasagna, give me a bowl of Frosted Flakes with whole milk and I’ll have a chimichanga for dessert.”

Tiger supporters will fire back with insults at Sandy Lyle for his haggis in ’89, but Lyle is Scottish and so is haggis — it’s on-brand. There was cohesion in his menu and a little hometown pride. Non-American (and Texan) Masters champions do it right. Bernhard Langer’s wiener schnitzel in ’86, Olazabal’s paella in ’95, Faldo’s fish and chips in ’97 and Angel Cabrera’s Argentine barbecue in ’10 were patriotic magic. And the Texans, Crenshaw and Spieth appropriately offer barbecue, baked beans and loud Willie Nelson tunes for dessert.

With Tiger leading the pack, it seems the melting pot Americans are consistently lost in the soup. Without tangible culinary traditions (Texans excluded), there’s Phil Mickelson’s overly ambitious lobster ravioli, Bubba Watson’s boring grilled chicken breast and Fred Couples’ soulless chicken cacciatore. It’s like they’re blindfolded and throwing darts at a Golden Corral menu.

Like golf, don’t overthink the Champions Menu — keep it simple. In his defense, a young Tiger got it right with his debut effort in ’98: cheeseburgers, fries and shakes. He did well in ’02 too with porterhouse steaks and a sushi appetizer — this works! And respect to Zach Johnson for a simple, yet beautiful Iowa beef and Florida shrimp one-two combo in ’08. Surf and turf works — Mexican and Japanese does not!

The official statement from Woods courtesy of The Masters reads, “Born and raised in Southern California, and with it playing a part of my entire childhood, we’ll be having steak and chicken fajitas, plus sushi and sashimi out on the deck. We’re still debating milkshakes.”

If the menu is an ode to “Southern California” then why not throw in some In-N-Out Burger? Or a a case of “Two Buck Chuck” Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon from Trader Joe’s? Or how about some lamb, eggplant and lavash to recognize So Cal’s Armenian community?

Sportsbetting.ag, an online gambling site based in the Caribbean, has Tiger’s milkshakes on their board:

Will Tiger Woods serve milkshakes at the Masters Champions Dinner?
Yes: -150
No: +110

Hammer the Yes here because milkshakes are the perfectly disastrous ending to this culinary clash and it feels like that’s Tiger’s goal. It’s as if he’s intentionally making a mockery of the event. The Augusta National Golf Club Champions Dinner Committee must act swiftly and enact this amendment: “From this day forward, the Masters defending champion will select the menu for a stag dinner to happen on Tuesday ahead of the tournament. However, the menu has to make sense or we’ll smack you in your pie hole if you pair Mexican and Japanese food like Tiger did in 2020.”

Editor’s Note: this article was primarily fueled by spite and jealousy that no one at WBGD will ever get close to the Champions Dinner at ANGC, so read it with a grain of salt.

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